4/10/23: Erwin, TN

This post will be a little different.

On the morning of Monday, April 10, 2023, my Gramma Kinney passed away peacefully in her home. I was in Erwin, Tennessee when I got the bad news from my parents. Gramma had struggled with some health issues for a while and my family and I had been prepared for her to die at any time for several years now, but it was still unexpected in the moment and came as a shock. I am so, so glad that I talked to Gramma on the phone only a couple of days earlier. I thought I was just taking a brief pit stop at Uncle Johnny’s hostel in Erwin, but plans immediately changed, of course. I’m glad that I had stopped in and had service to hear the news, since otherwise I don’t know how I would have found out, and I would have hated to miss being with the family. I booked a flight home for the next day to be part of the memorial service and be there with and for everyone in my family. I had been prepared for something like this to bring me off trail for a time, but it was really tough for this fear to become a reality. It was a reminder that despite jokes of the “fake world,” things were all too real out there off trail.

In the meantime, I thought it would do me some good to be back on the trail that afternoon, and begin healing through hiking. I hoped to take the chance to do some slackpacking. I called a local shuttle driver, Steve, and arranged a ride further up the trail so I could slackpack SOBO back to the hostel, as well as a ride to the airport the next day. Steve was really great and supportive, and it was very nice to talk to him on both occasions. So, I found myself processing my grief by hiking 20 more miles that day, starting at 12:30pm. (Spoiler alert: this turned out to be definitely too many, even for slackpacking.)

I had thought it would be helpful to be back out on trail, and it definitely was. Naturally, I cried for the first time on trail. I was singing songs that I felt were appropriate, and was particularly moved by singing God Only Knows. I couldn’t get through the lyrics “if you should ever leave me…the world could show nothing to me;” I could see, all around me, what the world was still showing me, even while Gramma was gone.

It was a gorgeous day on trail. I passed through many unique environments. In Gramma’s honor, I tried to be extra appreciative and document the diverse beauty around me. Here are just some of the wonderful things I saw that day.

I’m so glad that I jumped ahead and slackpacked SOBO. Not only was this easier logistically, since I didn’t have a deadline to get back to the hostel, but I also crossed paths with so many close trail friends who were coming the other direction. It was extra good to see them, since I don’t know when, or if, I’ll see them again with my taking some time off trail. I saw Yogi, Bluegrass and Malka (both of whom I hadn’t seen in a while), Waldo (who I hadn’t seen since my second day on trail – thrilling to run into him!), Tacos, Dex, and Smiley, among others. They were all so supportive and I appreciated it so much. I love my trail friends, and I feel so loved out there. Talking to friendly strangers was also helpful for me. It was all just what I needed. The trail provides.

Nonetheless, it was a mistake to push as many miles as I did that day. Counting what I had already done that morning, it was a 22.9 mile day – far and away my longest ever, and probably more than I was physically ready for. Only the first half of the afternoon felt truly rewarding. However, the last stretch was helpful as a distraction, as I was worried about the time and getting back to the hostel. The last two miles turned into a night hike, which was honestly a bit scary. It turns out, night hiking is a lot worse when you’re by yourself. But I got back to the hostel ok, at about 9pm. I ate what I believe was an entire pound of rehydrated taco meat for dinner; it felt sort of ridiculous, but it was much needed refueling after so much hiking. It was a strange day.

Grief is odd. It can make you do some silly things, whether that’s hiking 20 miles, eating a pound of food for dinner, or dissolving into laughter talking to friends from home at camp that night. I felt like the world turned upside down on Monday, and not just because I was hiking SOBO for a change.

I’d like to conclude by sharing some of the remarks that I gave at Gramma’s celebration of life this week.

It’s fitting that Easter just passed, since not only was Gramma’s faith very important to her, but I have so many fond memories of spending Easter with her and Papa in Connecticut. We would listen to Gramma & Papa sing in their church choir; Gramma loved to sing, something we share, and sang in three different choirs. Then Gramma and the other adults would set up a big Easter egg hunt for us in their back yard. Gramma liked to tell how, one year, my brothers and I watched from the upstairs windows while they hid the eggs. Then, we’d come downstairs when it was time to find them and immediately go straight for where they were hidden. Not so subtle there, Jake. I confess that, despite being the ringleader, I don’t specifically remember this scheme, but my brother Daniel does, and Gramma certainly did!

Another special memory I have with Gramma is my “individual weekend” with Gramma & Papa. Growing up, Nicholas, Daniel, and I each had one of these where we got to spend a private weekend with them rather than the whole family being there. Gramma specifically tailored the weekends to each of us; she took me to the Connecticut Science Center in Hartford, which I remember being really cool and having an exhibit about Conway’s Game of Life, whereas Nick went to the Basketball Hall of Fame, for instance. But the funny thing was, each of us ended up watching Home Alone with Gramma on these special weekends. After the first one of us watched it, the others felt left out not to have seen it, and so we all did the same thing. So it became an amusing tradition to watch Home Alone at Gramma’s house. I don’t know how she didn’t get sick of it!

Gramma was such a caring person, truly devoted to her family and so invested in all of our lives. I feel so lucky to have had her in my life for 24 years and maintain such a close relationship with her right until the end. Finally, I am so, so glad that she got to meet and really know Macy, and vice versa. Gramma liked Macy very much, even though when I told Gramma about Macy, she jokingly complained about all these unusual names these days and how there were never any “Marys” or “Anns” anymore. She was a wonderful grandmother. I love you Gramma and we will all miss you so much ❤️